New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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