marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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