The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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