This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
