am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
