I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
