I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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