I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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