worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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