Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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