I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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