is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
