Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
