How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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