I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
