life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
