dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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