Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
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