I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
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She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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