You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
