the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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