My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
