I could make wine with my vomit
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
