I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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