I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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