Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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