Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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