yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
