Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
