Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i think im in europe. pls send help
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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