Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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