My liver just broke up with me...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
