Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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