Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
