JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
