I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
