Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
