And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
