I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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