mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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