He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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