Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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