He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
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please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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