I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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