i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
