Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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