just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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