i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
