Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
