I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think I sprained my soul last night
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
