No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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