I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
