Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
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He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
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Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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