Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
