i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
