I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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