I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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