i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
